what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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