the condom got lost in my hair
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
