What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
then he tried to convert me to islam
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"