so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it