Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
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It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.