Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
babies were throwing up all over the place
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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