a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i think i just lost a toe
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize