she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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