What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
