One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
