i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
