time to smoke my breakfast
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
