i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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