so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
