Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
