that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
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stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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