I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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