I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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