i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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