I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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