Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
