I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
