What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
