I want to have your abortion
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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