I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
