I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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