Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
