This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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