This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
