hotel room ftw
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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