I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
