i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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