when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
