last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?