I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
