Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i was born a porn star she said
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
