we have pet lesbian snakes
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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