its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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