how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
