I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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