Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
