apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
