So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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