I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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