we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
