As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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