you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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