Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
