I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
