OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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