The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
