2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You've changed since you got that strap on
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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