My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
