I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
