if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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