I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
