Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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