i think i have herpe
just one?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
