yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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