Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
