My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
